Beyond the Script
Breaking Free From Relationship Roles
“What is love?
Oh, baby, don't hurt me”
– Haddaway
Humanity has attempted to understand the formula behind love and relationships for millennia. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: there is no trick to love because there are no rules. Love, at its truest essence, is free. Control, manipulation, and fear have no place in it. And yet – there’s always a yet – so much contemporary love “advice” is still stuck in harmful and outdated mindsets. These frames of mind are poison and the more we drink them, the sicker we become.
Now why the fuck does this happen? At the heart of it all is our fundamental need for connection, which drives us to seek validation from others. It's incredibly painful to feel rejected and, if we do not possess a rooted sense of self, the weight of rejection can easily lower us into sadness and anger. Some beliefs that may naturally spawn out of this include (but are definitely not limited to):
I am not lovable as I am
I must hide or change parts of myself in order to be loved
It is acceptable to hurt others because of how I’ve been hurt
These beliefs are scrawled into our brains pretty early in life, bleeding into every relationship we form. When our actions are led by fear and lack, we become caricatures of ourselves and learn to control what others see. Our “good” qualities should be on full display and our “bad” ones, if we can help it, should never see the light of day. This inner-policing, though well-intentioned, only pulls us further away from the love we crave. And it’s also impossible to maintain. Our imperfections do not make us unworthy of love – they make us human. In beginning to dismantle our programming, we can ask ourselves, “Am I acting (and reacting) from a place of love, or fear?”
Shit Advice
Growing up, I rabidly ingested content about relationships. I wanted to understand how it all worked, how I could experience it for myself. The problem that I couldn't see at the time was that so much of the advice promoted dishonesty. When practicing dishonesty, love is not present. It might convincingly look like it is, but the feelings will be very different. We cannot not access “true love” by hiding or concealing. Love is not a currency! We cannot “earn” love by doing or saying the “right” things.
Another flaw in the advice I read was that so much of it was rooted in patriarchal and hetero-centric thought. From articles about what clothes or scents men liked, to the “best” ways to please and pleasure them, men were at the center. I recall a tip I read in Seventeen that advised which foods were appropriate to eat on dates, and which ones were no-no’s (wings? Too messy! Veggie pizza? Beware of spinach in your teeth!) Articles like these taught women to cater to the male gaze, to be hyper-aware of our appearance at all times. To be Pick-Me’s.
But the influence of harmful love advice doesn’t stop with women’s magazines. Patriarchal dating advice also has negative consequences for men. In the “manosphere,” where folks like Andrew Tate and other “Alphamales” reside, the messaging is one that encourages men to perform hypermasculinity and learn the skills of pickup artists. Through learning manipulation tactics, these influencers promise to teach men how to become “Alphas” who can attract and control women. It’s a shaky argument. Simultaneously, they learn that men deserve and require sex, but also that women cannot be trusted and must be kept in a controlled state.
The Script™
Common culture lays out a script for us: Go to school, build a career, get married (but not too old!), have children, live to see grandchildren, die. Though there’s nothing wrong with wanting any element of this cycle, the issue lies in the stereotypes and shame the script is built upon. Beliefs such as:
Hetero relationships are more valid than queer relationships
Men are dominant/women are submissive
Marriage legitimizes a relationship
Men shouldn’t show emotions/women are too emotional
The script promises, if we follow it well, that we will be more accepted by society and lead better lives. It also paints people two-dimensionally, limiting the expansiveness of human expression, leaving no room for diversity in personality, sexuality, gender, or life goals. Because these natural variations are not accounted for, the folks who don’t follow the script are seen as strange, tragic, unnatural, immoral. This is why the Alpha and Pick-Me phenomena even exist – it is the people desperately attempting to follow the script so they can attain its rewards.
It doesn’t help that the way society is structured rewards those who memorize the lines. People in partnerships, especially those married with children, are put on a pedestal. They also receive more benefits within society. It doesn’t matter if these relationships are enviable or not – the script tells us that these couplings are mature, virtuous, and valuable.
It goes without saying, but porn is also a big part of this equation. As a young millennial, I was exposed to porn early on, as were many of my peers. Children today have even greater access; many of them first encountering this content on their social feeds.
Exposure to porn wouldn’t be as harmful if it was all made ethically, if websites made it harder for young people to access, and if it wasn’t produced by misogynist, racist, and pedophilic people, but that isn’t the world we live in. Although there exist notable examples of “ethical” porn, as it stands, I’d wager that the majority of online porn is pretty toxic. Seeing this imagery affects how we form connections, and we cannot help but be shaped by it. It affects the way we view our bodies and can promote unrealistic and unsafe expectations around sex. Because so many of us don’t receive comprehensive sex education, part of our education is through these online spaces. Via this self-education, we learn how we’re “supposed” to look, sound, and speak during sex. We also learn about power, and who in our world currently holds most of it. And unfortunately, all of this absorption is happening while our brains are still developing.
The combination of all these factors creates a perfect shitstorm for collective unhappiness. On all ends of the spectrum, people are learning to perform very specific roles in order to attain sex, love, or partnership. Even queer and gender nonconforming people fall into these traps – we’ve all been raised in the same culture after all!
When LGBTQ+ folks feel forced to conform to societal expectations, because of a desire for safety or to prevent social rejection, things like internalized homophobia and feelings of alienation can run rampant. Even those individuals who are “out and proud” experience these traps. Masc or Femme? Twinks or Bears? Though labels like these are used to describe the many expressions on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, they come with their own stereotypes and, with that, pressure to conform to those expectations.
Performing roles will never get us the love we seek because performances are meant for the stage—not real life. By following imaginary scripts, we create tragic dynamics of paranoia and dishonesty. It’s an unfortunate reality that many of us fall into these traps because of generational cycles of pain. When operating from this pain, we may hold beliefs like:
Telling the truth leads to pain
Calling attention to my hurt feelings is weak/bad/unnecessary
Acknowledging my harmful behavior is weak/bad/unnecessary
I must pretend to be okay even when I’m not
*Shakes Fist* It’s The Media!
Recently, I re-watched the film, “He’s Just Not That Into You” because I had vague memories of enjoying it when I was fourteen. I definitely wasn’t alone in this either: the film did fairly well at the time of its release in 2009, grossing $178 million worldwide (which is pretty good for a romcom). Watching it now, I was bewildered by all the sexist, racist, and gay stereotypes in the film. What the hell had I liked about this?
I think what my 14-year-old brain had enjoyed about the film was seeing a protagonist I could relate to. The main character, Gigi, is awkward, neurotic, and overall “bad” at love and dating. Watching it now, I felt sorry for her. Her character is so desperate for a man to choose her that she barely takes a moment to consider whether she wants to choose these men. And, spoiler alert: most of the men in this film really suck. Peter Travers wrote in a Rolling Stone review at the time:
“Are women desperate or just desperately stupid? This is the misogynist question at the core of He’s Just Not That Into You, a women-bashing tract disguised as a chick flick…Here’s a true S&M date movie. Only sadistic men and masochistic women could love it.”
As a young person with a still developing brain and dangerously low levels of self worth, I found myself in the category of masochistic women who liked the film.
Though I can easily dunk on this movie, and many others, I still hold so much love for the rom-com genre. It is a communication medium that has the power to change culture, and it contains much opportunity for growth. When we expand our ideas of what a story can be, we expand what our lives can be. There is an enormous library of media which tells the stories of relationships’ clumsy beginnings and tragic endings, but very few about the maintenance of them. The characters realize they want to be together. And then what? The characters get married. And then what? Unless there’s a sequel, we’ll never know. I’ve seen many improvements in romcoms over the years, but there’s still a long way to go. As much as I wish it weren’t true, we aren’t yet beyond superficial portrayals of love.
Embracing Vulnerability
When we lower ourselves to the level of stereotype, we are pulled further away from what we desire. There may be an illusion of fulfilled desire – “I have a partner,” “I have friends,” etc, but the level of fulfillment we feel in these relationships is directly related to how safe we feel to be our true selves within them. Are your needs being met?
In movies like “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and many common pieces of dating advice, neediness is a quality that is often chastised. We mustn’t be “needy” lest we want to repel potential friends or lovers. But what is being “needy,” really? It’s having needs. That’s literally it. On the flip side, when we call someone else needy, what we’re really saying is that we cannot meet their needs.
Although it is impossible for any one person to fulfill all of our needs, having needs in the first place is not a problem. The problem is actually:
Lacking the courage to speak our own needs
Not being honest when we cannot meet someone’s needs
Accepting less because we believe our needs to be wrong in some way
Our needs don’t magically go away when we downplay them. They mutate into things like resentment and shame. When we are ashamed of our needs, we also resent the people in our lives who do not meet them. Speaking our truth can be downright terrifying. What if we’re judged, misunderstood, or punished? Even more tricky, how can we be truthful when we’re the ones who have caused pain? Regardless of whether hurt is intentional or not, admitting our part in someone else's pain can feel incredibly uncomfortable. Audre Lorde, writer, academic, and activist, beautifully illustrates this point in her piece, “The Transformation of Silence Into Language and Action.”
“In the cause of silence, each of us draws the face of her own fear – fear of contempt, of censure, or some judgment, or recognition, of challenge, of annihilation. But most of all, I think, we fear the visibility without which we cannot truly live.”
It’s far easier to turn away from our difficult feelings and vulnerable requests; but turning away is not without consequence. When we turn away, the seeds of disconnection rapidly grow. When we speak our truth, however, connection can be born.
About 7 years ago, I met one of my best friends at work. Whenever we worked together, we laughed the entire day. I quickly decided I wanted to transition from “work friends” to “friends-friends.” I suggested we hang out outside of work, but had a hard time deciphering if my coworker wanted that too. One day, I bit the bullet and told him my feelings. It felt incredibly vulnerable to show myself in this way, but I was tired of guessing. I later learned he had wanted to become friends too, and had no idea I felt insecure about our budding friendship. Years later he revealed, “when you had that conversation with me, it made me realize that I hadn’t made enough of an effort and had to step it up.” I truly believe that our moment of shared vulnerability is a big reason we are still friends today.
Brene Brown, academic, author, and speaker, gained fame in 2010 after her TEDx Talk, “The Power of Vulnerability” still in the top 5 most viewed Ted Talks of all time. The talk summarized a decade of her work researching how emotions like vulnerability, shame, and courage show up in people.
She says:
“There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it…the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy…The problem is — and I learned this from the research — that you cannot selectively numb emotion. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these…when we numb those, we [also] numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness…And it becomes this dangerous cycle.”
Being courageously vulnerable does not mean we’ll always get what we want, but, as Brown said, when we numb our negative emotions, we also numb our positive ones. We are made less alive in this world when we refuse to confront difficult emotions. Our ability to feel joy is directly related to our ability to face pain.
Postponing Pain
We are more likely to shut off parts of ourselves when we fear we are not worthy of connection. When we try to fit into performative boxes, we only perpetuate cycles of disconnection.
Breakups happen. In friendship, romance, families, and business. More often than not, breakups occur because of communication struggles. The most difficult breakups of my life have seen moments where the full truth was finally brought to the surface. During a particularly grueling one, as we were reflecting upon all the ways we were led there, my ex said, “sometimes I could tell when you were only having sex just for me.” The truth of those words shook me. Because this pain was never directly spoken aloud – at most only hinted at – we both experienced pain.
I felt the pain of pushing myself to perform when I didn’t want to, and he felt the pain of seeing my lack of enthusiasm, but not admitting to himself that he had noticed. I wanted to pretend everything was fine, mistakenly believing it more loving to not draw attention to the issue. I silently prayed that our growing disconnection would eventually resolve itself, but the gap only widened. If we had been brave enough to have the conversations we needed to have, it undoubtedly would have been painful. But postponing our discomfort only delayed the pain.
What Should We Do Now?
Relationships, romantic or not, are one of the most beautiful experiences a human can have on this Earth and make life worth living. But, if we leave the scripts in charge, our relationships can just as easily become our greatest source of misery. Within the scripts, “shoulds” reign supreme.
“They should already know without me having to say.”
“We should be having more sex.”
“We’ve been together for X years, we should be married by now.”
Says who?
Our beliefs are inherited. By culture, by our families of origin, by the media. Many of us do not take the time to examine what we truly want in our lives, instead opting for the playbook that was placed in front of us. We must ask ourselves what our truth truly is so that we can attract the love we desire. It is a transition from what “should” be to what is. From there, we can actually make some progress.
Love is found in our authenticity; in showing up as our true selves, without performance. It is the space where your inner and outer worlds align – you live how you feel, and you feel how you live. Allow yourself to imagine what love looks like for you – without all the filters of culture, media, or expectations of others. Is there a script you have been following? Which parts feel good? Which ones could use some editing?